It all began with a lump... signs and symptoms of breast cancer

​I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when I felt it. I was taking my usual hurried shower because it was busy season and I'm a mom. I felt it and then went on with my day. For some reason I pushed it to the back of my mind and didn't really think about it. It wasn't always noticeable - just kind of came and went. I thought "maybe it has to do with my cycle? It's just a cyst. Yes, I'm sure that's it. Besides, we don't have time for this right now and I'm sure it's nothing. Other people get cancer. Not me. Maverick is only 2. He needs me. Eric and I have only known each other for 4-1/2 years. We need a lot more time to love each other." 

So I waited. And waited. And waited until I knew there was an issue. I Googled "Breast Cancer Signs and Symptoms" a million times. (I don't recommend doing this!) Then it was weeks before I could get into the doctor. More delays. And then, finally, I mustered up the courage to go to the urgent care clinic. The nurse practitioner on duty that day was very concerned. That's when I knew. I could see it in her face. They sent me for a mammogram right away. They were very concerned and rearranged their schedule to get me in for a biopsy. I could see it in their faces too. Even though I was hoping and praying with all my might, I knew. I knew it was cancer. I called my best friend who had gone through her own breast cancer journey just a year before. There were too many similarities in our stories. She knew too.
 
Waiting on results from the biopsy were some of the most agonizing days of my life. Unfortunately the biopsy was on a Friday and we had to wait all weekend and into the next week for results. I tried to calm my mind with prayer and staying busy with the family. I remember rocking my son before bed one night. I read him a book and held him with all my might; tears pouring from my eyes. I prayed and begged God to let it not be cancer. I promised Him I would do whatever He wanted me to do for the rest of my life if He just let the results be negative. But that's not how it works. God is not in charge of who gets cancer.  He's in charge of getting us THROUGH cancer.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:8-10

It was a sunny Tuesday morning on April 13, 2021 when a surgical oncologist walked into the room and delivered the news no one wants to hear. You have cancer. My husband and I sat in stunned silence and nodded our heads, confirming what we already knew deep down. He said it was stage 2-3, but the good news was it was a very common type of breast cancer and very treatable. Cool. But it's still cancer. And I'm still scared and I don't want to be here. When the doctor left the room I allowed myself some tears and emotions. But then I pulled up my big girl panties and wanted to know what I had to do to rid myself of this beast as fast as possible and get on with my life. I have a lot of living left to do. 

​Treating Breast Cancer...
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After I had another scan to confirm the cancer had not spread to other parts of the body (it had not, praise the Lord!) the next stop was a trip to the oncologist at the cancer center. I was already dead set against chemotherapy. I just knew I didn't want to do it and wasn't sure I could. Seeing other patients there in the midst of treatment was not good for morale. I saw some very sick people there that day and honestly it was scary. The entire atmosphere in the cancer center was of doom and gloom. Our meeting with the oncologist was fairly brief and to the point. I had hormone positive breast cancer and she was recommending 16 weeks of chemotherapy, surgery and then radiation. Ok thank you. NEXT! I just didn't feel right about that place or the diagnosis. As soon as we left I scheduled an appointment with another cancer center. And I'm very very glad I did.

 My new oncology team was amazing. The doctors sent out for an oncotype test to determine my cancer's responsiveness to chemotherapy. The other doctor didn't even mention this! I had high hopes that I could cruise right past the chemo and into surgery. Wham bam thank you ma'am. Haha! Not quite. Given my test score and my age (43), they felt the best treatment plan for me consisted of 4 treatments of Adriamycin (known as the "Red Devil") + Cyclophosphamide, then 4 treatments of Taxol (Paclitaxel,) followed by surgery and radiation. The day they delivered this news I left the doctor's office devastated. I had set myself up for disappointment by believing that I wouldn't have to have chemotherapy. I soon realized that a cancer journey is laden with disappointments and setbacks. It's what you make of those that matters.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm  you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

Telling people you have cancer is difficult. Preparing for chemotherapy is difficult. Being worried sick about dying and the cancer coming back is difficult. It's the hardest thing I've ever done mentally and physically. I'm so blessed that we serve a gracious God and that I have wonderful family and friends. It's the only way to navigate this difficult journey. If you'd like to read all my tips on getting through chemotherapy you can find them here. Everyone's journey is different. Every side effect is different. Every treatment is different. Every day is different. I think that's what made it hard for me. THE FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN. I couldn't control this situation. I didn't want to be in this situation. And the situation was ever-changing. But do you know who does have control of the situation? God does. He HAS you. ALWAYS. One thousand million percent He's there and He loves you. So put this on Him. Give it to Him. This is not for you to carry alone. 

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

I began chemotherapy on Tuesday June 7th. My wonderful and supportive husband drove me. Talking me off the cliff all the way there. I had pumped myself up to power through this and be a big super strong breast cancer warrior princess.  Well, although I am still a princess, and super strong and a breast cancer warrior, my crown may have gotten a little crooked there for a while. Chemotherapy is HARD. It is a 24/7 mental and physical battle. You feel like complete crap for about a week and on top of it, I didn't respond well to the steroids they give to help you feel better. It was like my mind was going 100 miles an hour and my body was stuck in a mud pit. I couldn't stand up but I couldn't lay down. I couldn't sleep but I couldn't really do anything else. I was awake at all hours with scary thoughts running through my head. All of the what if's and negative thoughts invaded my mind while I was downstairs on the couch alone in the darkness. I didn't want to wake my husband and son and there was really nothing anyone could do. So I prayed. And prayed. And prayed. 

Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. - Isaiah 41:10

I made it through the first 4 treatments of A/C and moved on to Taxel. I was set to finish up my treatments on August 31st and get my surgery scheduled. I'd have this wrapped up by the first of the year! Not so fast said the devil! During my second treatment of Taxel I had an allergic reaction. It's not super common but it happens. They had to switch me to another, less harsh drug called Abraxane. Abraxane would be administered over the course of 4 weeks for every treatment - 1 treatment per week for 3 weeks and then a week off. That meant instead of having only 2 treatments left, I now had nine. NINE!! My treatment schedule was now extended until the end of October. I cried. I pleaded. I begged. There was nothing anyone could do. So again. I pulled up my big girl britches and did what I had to do.​

The Abraxane was a blessing in disguise. It was fairly easy for me with few side effects. I went about my daily life pretty normally. I didn't have to take steroids or any other drugs with it except nausea pills. It was nice to get back to somewhat normal and enjoy some life with my husband and son again. My mental health improved greatly. God gave me some much needed peace and I was sleeping better. We were on our way to being healed.

I had my lumpectomy with reconstruction in both breasts the day before Thanksgiving. Wasn't great timing, but we made it work. My husband was by my side through it all and the surgeon felt confident they removed all the cancer and everything looked great. During recovery we both ended up with Covid. Miraculously the only symptom I had was a loss of smell. My husband didn't fare so well. My hopes of being a pampered patient soon went out the door as I tried to nurse him back to health. Thankfully we are blessed with wonderful family that took care of our son and wonderful church family that kept us fed!

During my follow-up visit with the surgeon we hit another road block. They told me that there was a trace of cancer in two of the lymph nodes they removed and that I'd need to have another surgery to remove the rest of the lymph nodes. I was completely blindsided. I had gone to the appointment by myself because my husband was at home with Covid. It's an hour and a half drive to the cancer center so I had a lot of time to cry and talk to God and my husband on the way home. My husband is one of the most level-headed, calm individuals that I've ever met. He can see things in black and white. He always reminded me that everything that I had to do is part of the journey of becoming cancer free. FOREVER. He would say "Do you want to get rid of the cancer? Ok. Then let's do this." Again - not what I wanted to do, but another surgery is what I HAD to do.

We took a little vacation between surgeries to get away from it all and enjoy some sunshine. It was just what we needed. God has led us down many paths in our lives and He definitely sent us in the right direction on this trip. During our stay, a Hangar Home came up for sale. By chance, my husband saw a post about it in a Facebook group. We drove up to look at it and scheduled an appointment to look at it the next day. After checking it out we immediately made an offer and it was accepted. 

As I write this, I am sitting at my desk in our beautiful Hangar Home listening to my son play and giggle while my husband relaxes. I start radiation here in the Sunshine State tomorrow. My second surgery went well and I had to do some finagling with our insurance to be treated in a different state, but here we are. Just where we're meant to be right now. 

Where God guides, He provides. - Isaiah 58:11